Cinta?

Bosen banget. Gak ada kerjaan. Hari libur ini pun dihabisin di rumah, yaa, di dalem kamar tepatnya. Twitteran. Stalking-in satu-per-satu profile milik akun-akun yang nongol di timeline gue. Kurang kerjaan? Ya emang. Yaudah, mau ngepost paragraf-paragraf favorit gue dari beberapa artikel Thought Catalog deh. Gue sih habis baca itu, mendadak pingin elap aer mata. Kata-kata nya sederhana, gak lebay, gak puitis juga, tapi disusun dengan sedemikian rupa yang bikin enak dibaca.

Pertama, tentang sepasang kekasih (ew, apapun namanya deh) yang berhubungan jarak jauh atau mari kita singkat LDR — tapi buat yang jomblo pun kata-katanya masih pas sih kalo mau dikatain ‘GUE BANGET!’ Misalnya: kecengan jarak jauh? Lo di Bali, doi di Depok? Bisa bisa, boleh boleh…

I thought maybe after we were forced to be apart, I’d get used to your absence. I’d start to like having my alone-time back. I’d start to morph back into the independent person I was before you. It hasn’t worked. The distance has only made me think about you more. All day long, in fact. I can’t stop thinking about you because I know it’s going to be a good long while before I see you again. It’s like my brain has to fill the “you” quota because my body knows it won’t get what it needs.

I still have the shirt that smells like you. I wear it around the house to do chores, and because it makes me think you’re with me. It doesn’t help me to stop thinking about you, but it soothes the ache. I miss you, and I know we’ve made this decision to stay together and climb this hill together, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It’s so hard to try and force myself to do other things, to go out, to care about something other than you and what you might be doing off where ever you are.

Kedua, tentang melepaskan seseorang *tsah*.

Letting someone go — when it is a necessary act of self-preservation, something that has to come if you expect to move forward in life — is regarded as a kind of victory. You have successfully overcome an emotional trauma that once surrounded you like a kind of fog which prevented you from ever seeing the sun. People will tell you, always with the best intentions, that one day you are going to wake up and realize that you are okay, and your life is not immediately over because they are no longer a part of it. And this is true, though it’s not the net positive that we are so quick to label it as. Because it’s not as though you simply wake up one day and proclaim yourself fine, suddenly hearing birds chirp and children laugh after months of only your own oppressive silence. You simply start to forget, feeling the acute pain of the loss less and less as each day goes on. There will come a day when you don’t care, but you won’t notice it, because you will have other things to think about.

Dapet pencerahan untuk berani move on? #hazek. Ketiga:

I believe you are my person. I love you, even though you don’t love me. I love you, even though there’s nothing in it for me anymore. There’s just loving you, but that’s enough for me. I find you to be one of the most exquisite humans I’ve ever met, and knowing you is all it takes to love you. I don’t need anything in return. Getting to be acquainted with your intelligence, depth, understanding, endurance, humor, wisdom, (I could go on), is what love is, and it’s why I choose to love you so intently.

Thank you for loving me when I didn’t love myself. I pushed away because I believed that I wasn’t worthy of love. I came back because I thought you were the only person who cared.

But you weren’t, and you’re not. You were, however, the person with whom I fell most intensely in love. You reached inside of me and made me feel. And with that, your love made every bit of my unhealed heart and soul surface. And it was all left between us. I believe I’ve healed a lot of it, but there’s always a ways to go. The point is: I credit you for being the catalyst of my transformation. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I believe that love is the essence of everyone. But in the context of being between two people, it is also a verb. And an action is a choice. Physical feelings are just that—physical. But attraction of the mind, heart, spirit—that’s miraculous. And when you choose to love another unconditionally, without judgment, and regardless of what’s in it for yourself, that’s the fairy tale.

I think you need to learn to love yourself as much as I do. And I hope you do that. I will always be close, regardless of distance. I’m always a phone call or a memory away, loving you, and hoping you find peace, love, happiness and whatever else will fill you up and make your life most worth living. Thank you for gracing my life. Please accept this as a token of my love and gratitude, and know that what we shared was beyond what language can construct. So far, this is the best I can do.

Keempat, ini favorit gue diantara paragraf-paragraf lain yang gue kutip dari beberapa artikel, tentang lo sendiri. Bahwa lo harus cari orang yang memperlakukan lo dengan baik. Masa lo doang yang terus-terusan perhatian, sedangkan doinya gitu-gitu aja? Udah, tinggalin aja! Yah, I mean… Come on, you spent all day to think of him and he doesn’t even care! No, he isn’t worth it. He isn’t worth your time, he isn’t worth your love.

The one who wants to be with you never lets you forget how special you are. They tell you via text message (in full sentences that don’t even need emoticons), flowers, candy, skywriter and actual in-person words — because they know how important it is to be in the presence of love, to be wrapped up in it, to feel it next to you holding you and never letting go. They will tell you by being there for you when you need them to be and even sometimes when you don’t need them to be, when you’re sick in bed and insist that you’re fine and they don’t need to come over and take care of you. They will be there anyway, with a bowl of chicken soup ready, five kinds of reading material and a dozen different brands of medication. They take your health seriously — maybe a little too seriously, like a grandma — because they take you seriously.

The one who doesn’t want you isn’t there or when they are there — still isn’t. They’re always texting someone else and perpetually glued to the screen of their phone as if they suddenly would go blind without the light of the iPhone. They’re always hanging out with other people who aren’t you, talking about other people and making excuses for why they don’t have more time for you. They always talk about how busy they are and how full their schedule is, but they aren’t that busy. Their life is full with friends and acquaintances and a bunch of people who are tagged on Facebook smiling in photos with them. None of these people are you, and if they wanted you, those people would be you.

The one who doesn’t want you assumes that you know all of those things and don’t need to be reminded. They forget your birthday, your anniversary and might not even know very important information about you that you expect everyone in your life to know — like your eye color. They might not even know your middle name. They haven’t taken the time to get to know you and learn the important things, like the dreams that you haven’t locked away yet and what you want to be when you finally grow up, or the less important things, like that you can’t listen to Explosions in the Sky without crying and you feel like the movie Lost in Translation was made for you. You don’t communicate or really talk at all — because they’re unwilling to open that part of themselves. They don’t see that you belong in it.

The one who wants to be with you knows that falling in love with you doesn’t happen all at once and it can take years to truly get to know someone. Learning about someone is like wandering through an old mansion with many rooms; it’s always discovering that there’s another door to unlock. This person is willing to go on that journey, to be constantly surprised by how intricate and complex you are, an M.C. Escher painting in human form, and loves finding out grand staircases of new information about you, like that you consider Missy Elliott your spirit animal and want to live in Paris when you get old. But they also love how simple you are sometimes, as simple as a backrub after a long day, because they love everything about you that’s beautiful and that hurts. They’re willing to stick it out with you through the hard conversation and the rough patches — whatever it takes to lie next to you at night, they’re willing to fight for it. They will fight to love you.

The one who doesn’t want you won’t fight for you or perform random acts of emotional strength to prove their love. And you should have some who is willing to do that — to chase you and sweep you off your feet (and let you do some of the chasing, too) and strive for ideals we all say are “unattainable” or “unrealistic.” You deserve to be loved by someone who knows how to love you, specifically, and only you. You deserve to someone that won’t let your dreams stay locked away. You deserve to live them.

Kelima, bahwa lo sudah seharusnya dapet perhatian. Sesibuk apapun orang itu, kalau dia bener-bener sayang sama lo, dia bakal nyempetin waktu buat ngabarin lo. Dan itu dia, kunci dari semua hubungan, komunikasi. #apasih #sokiye

Love someone when they’re insufferable, when they hate their job and hate their friends and seem to hate everything in their life except for you. You might lose respect for them, you might look at them as if they’re weak and can’t stand on their own two feet, but I want you to try to push those thoughts out of your brain because the fact is that this happens. People get stuck in their life and they look around and only see one thing that makes sense to them. It doesn’t make them weak or co-dependent, it just makes them human. Don’t fault them for things that are largely out of their control, don’t have your attraction hinge on how great their life seems to be going. Choose to love them. ♥

Oh, sebelum post ini gue publish, Thought Catalog juga sempet punya artikel yang ngebahas, tanda-tanda lo lagi jatuh cinta. Coba cek deh, kalau yang dibawah ini memenuhi semua karakteristik lo, berarti…yap, selamat (atau turut berduka cita?), lo lagi jatuh cinta :3

1. You think about them all the time. You can’t force yourself not to. You say, “Okay, today I will not think about this person,” but even being deliberate always backfires and you just end up thinking about them more.

2. You do things for them you normally wouldn’t do even if they’re annoying to you, like help them move or go out of your way like, seven blocks just to get them that specific kind of candy they like.

3. You find yourself lingering on stuff that smells like them — their T-shirts, their sheets. When you catch a whiff of them, you feel happy and safe.

4. You don’t mind the gross stuff like if they have eye boogers or a big pimple. It just makes them more human and therefore somehow cuter?

5. You want to know everything about their life — their childhood, their family, their favorite concert they ever went to, their best college memories, everything. You could just listen to them tell you stuff for hours.

6. You find yourself goofily smiling alone when you think about their dumb face.

7. You talk about them incessantly. Your friends are all like, “Yeah, we know they like Game of Thrones and one time they were in a ska band. Jeez. You’ve told us already like seven times.”

8. Innocuous things remind you of them. Like streetlamps and cracks in the sidewalk and bodega cats and like, really anything you see.

9. Even if you were hanging out on a yacht with Zac Efron and Channing Tatum (or like, Megan Fox and Rosario Dawson), you would still be like, “Hmm. I wonder what So-And-So is up to. I should text them.”

10. You check their Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr on a regular rotation just to see if they posted anything new. What? It’s not weird.

11. You find everything they do fascinating. Oh man, are they tying their shoes or brushing their teeth? YOU ARE RIVETED.

12. You feel like they really listen to you and respect your thoughts and opinions. You never feel afraid of telling them how you feel or what you think, which is kind of a new thing for you.

13. You want to go on trips together and find yourself planning vacations months in advance. You just sort of see them in your future.

14. You want to share things like bed space, food, music collections, books. You lend them stuff and feel good about it and you get to borrow things too. There’s no cordoning off or possessiveness about space or stuff. You’re a unit.

Udah coba cocokin? Udah dapet jawabannya?

Tapi, gak semuanya yang berhubungan sama, ehm, cinta (atau apalah lo pada mau nyebutnya, bebas!) ini manis semua kan ya. *yekali gula*. Kalo yang dibawah ini gue full-copas dari thought catalog, satu artikel. Kalo tadi elap aer mata karena terharu, sekarang elap aer mata gara-gara sedih. Dari judul artikelnya aja udah frustasi abis, “When They Don’t Love You Back.” Baru baca judulnya aja, lo udah tau kalo artikel ini ngebahas tentang yang, uhm, bahasa gaulnya, ‘cinta bertepuk sebelah tangan’ :p

There’s a strange feeling that sometimes overcomes us when we’re reaching out to someone, this feeling of acute embarrassment. “Are we bothering them?” we ask ourselves, and almost wanting to apologize for even sending a message in the first place. It’s as though our very presence in their lives is a nuisance, and our efforts to connect as friends or lovers is one that only complicates things for them. We want to say, “I’m sorry that I want to talk to you, it’s weird and I should probably stop.” The thing is, you can feel when you’re
bothering someone. It’s not difficult to tell when you are the one who is always reaching out, always initiating contact, always starting the conversation. You realize in a way that is at once terribly humiliating and almost masochistically sweet that you are the one chasing after
them. When they grant you with their reciprocity, with their attention — nothing feels better. But most times you are left sending a message that you immediately
regret, because you know that it only puts one more tallymark in the “you need them, and not the other way around” column. There are few things more painful than
feeling like you’re constantly going out of your way for someone who is, at best, mildly amused by your affection. It’s hard to explain the feeling of disappointment exactly, but it’s mostly directed towards
yourself. You can tell when you send them a good-morning text message, or mail them a gift, or take the time to do something for them that you know they’ll
barely appreciate — this isn’t going to be reciprocated. This isn’t going to be really appreciated. Hell, it may not even be noticed. But you can’t stop yourself. It’s just a sad, universal truth that there are people we love a lot who don’t really love us back. Whether platonic or romantic (or even, sadly enough, familial) there are
always going to be these uneven relationships in which one person is constantly left feeling as though their emotions and their desires are a mild irritant. There are going to be friends we go out of our way for who never quite acknowledge us in return, who will never be there to listen to our problems, who will never drive out in the middle of the night to pick us up when we’re in trouble — no matter how much we do these things for them. And there are going to be lovers with whom we long to construct an entire relationship, but with whom we will always feel stuck at the frustrating “beginner phase” where no exchanges go beyond the superficial. It just happens. The most difficult thing, it seems, is being
able to admit when your love is going nowhere. Speaking personally, I have watched as more than one friendship proved themselves to be entirely one-sided, when my attempts to connect with the person (even in forums as non- committal as sending a Gchat), were
proving increasingly pathetic. I was just way more into them than they were to me, and there is always a certain amount of pain in admitting that. You don’t want to confront this person and tell them, “Hey, look at all of these nice things I do and efforts I make for you, and you don’t do any of these things in return,” because it is a sad thing to do.

It’s sad because the truth is that they don’t owe you their friendship or their love. They don’t owe you the same kind of relationship you desire from them. You can’t insist, through repeated action, that someone is now indebted to you because you have proven that you are worth of something. We make the choice to keep giving our attention and love to someone who has clearly demonstrated that they don’t want it, and it is always their choice to make if they one day decide they want to start reciprocating. But to break the cycle and force yourself to stop initiating contact, to stop making effort, and to stop caring about their response — that is much harder. That means admitting that you have lost a battle you didn’t even want to acknowledge you were fighting. But when we’re trying to get someone to love us back, it’s always a battle. And it’s one we’re almost always guaranteed to lose.

Yaudah gitu aja dulu. Nampaknya post ini udah kepanjangan. Maaf ya isinya tentang artikel-artikel thought catalog semua, lagi suka aja bacanya gitu mwehe. Sekarang, terserah lo semua deh pada mau deskripsiin cinta kayak gimana. Gue sih masih….gak paham, harus ngalamin sendiri dulu kayaknya. *melipir manis sambil cengengesan*

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